Ian Hislop: My Journey...

I started out as this little public school twat on telly.  I meant no harm. I was a fucking waste of oxygen, but no more than that. I  played a sort of anti-authoritarian, leftish-liberalish heir of Peter Cooke.
People liked me.

I got a little I got lucky when it turned out my colleague was funny.  But everybody loved me.  I had power, I had authority!

I had everything.

I  started to believe.
I started to believe that I knew so much better, and that people were all fools.  That my school was actually quite good.  That the Conservatives were not actually all that bad after all.  That maybe "the market" wasn't some crazy load of old bollocks, but could actually improve all our lives!  ... or at least, mine.

Then it all started to slip...slip...slip....slip away.

Suddenly I became a Tory cunt.
"Perhaps we deserve the bankers that we get..." I said today on TV.
...

Ian Hislop, you sellout little fuck.  "Perhaps we deserve the bankers that we get?".   No of course we don't you prick.

You might as well say: "perhaps we deserve all the painful bowel cancer we get?".

What a fucking idiot this man has become.

Carole Malone is out of a job

I am delighted to report that as off today Carole Malone, that brave accuser of the poor, the needy, and  the vulnerable, is out of job.   No longer is she free to write the first horrible and nasty thing that comes into her head in a national newspaper, since that newspaper has been shutdown due to (among other things)  its disgusting predeliction for hacking into the voicemail of murdered schoolgirls and their families.

I bet she can't wait to get her "free house and free plasma TV". 


She must have worked up  to 30 minutes a week to write the hateful, misinformed, ignorent, stupid, destructive bullshit that used to pull her in upwards of £250K a year.  Let's hope she never works again, is mortgaged up to fuck, has a serious drink and/or drugs dependancy, and ends up losing it all.  Still, at least she doesn't have to worry about her hard earned dole money being spent on immigrants getting free cars anymore.


Fuck her.  Fuck her and fuck all the rest of them at the NotW.  Cunts the lot of them.
Have no sympathy for any of them, they would have no sympathy for you.

Five political commentators the BBC should never use again

1) Katie Hopkins - This evil harpy delights in "saying the unsayable", or to put it another way, being an absolutely selfish, thoughtless, nasty, greedy, reactionary, grasping, Tory shitbag.  She compliments this with a smug self satisfaction that makes her perhaps the least likable human being currently on the planet.

2) Ruth Lea - This remarkably twattish woman is supposed to be an economist, and in fact used to appear on Newsnight every night to tell us all about how the economy was doing ("very well indeed"), how house prices were fine ("they can only go up!  It's simple supply and demand!"), how neoliberal economic policies were the saviour of the World ("we must deregulate the banks more, oh and stop taxing the rich!"). Post 2008 and the worldwide economic collapse that following her favourite policies caused, she wasn't booked much.  Not surprising, as she was wrong about EVERYTHING.  And I do mean everything.  She is now starting to poke her head above the (very low) parapet again though and the BBC have started  to use her "expert" opinions again.  Look BBC: she is a fucking idiot, her economic policies are nasty, selfish and failed, and now she has bravely rejoined the Conservative Party (she left when Labour were in power, make your own mind up why) we all all know her agenda.  STOP BOOKING THE BITCH!

3) Kelvin MacKenzie - The twat's twat.  Another nasty, reactionary apologist of the super rich, a proponent of any policy that hurts the poor and protects the wealthy.  Please BBC, if you're having a debate, and you perhaps think you need someone to give a right wing view on some subject, then please do not pick up the phone to Kelvin Mackenzie!   Let him fester alone with his opinions, opinions destined never to be listened to, never to be allowed to leave his rotten, broken head.  It's the only way he will ever learn.

4) Edwina Currie - Horrible, arrogant, pompous old trout.  Another failed right wing shit bag who appears to have absolutely no fucking clue about the world.  Her solution to people being stuck in the snow we had before Christmas?  A tax cut on 4x4 vehicles.  I honestly don't think she was joking, she is just really, really dumb.  Really, really dumb, and earning OUR MONEY in BBC fees to spout this shite on the radio.  STOP BOOKING HER BBC!

5) Any arsehole from the fucking Taxpayers Alliance - Now these really are the worst of the lot.  A fake "grassroots" organisation, funded by Tory donors (see here), these sinister pricks used to turn up every day on the BBC.   Touch-wood they seem to have fucked off ever since the Tories got in, I guess the rich and powerful that fund them think they have won now they have the evil party in charge, and would rather spend their money on sweatshops, or campaigning to remove the minimum wage.  But they will be back, and they will be spouting the same lies and misinformation as they did before, so keep vigilant BBC, and STOP LETTING THEM GET FREE AIR TIME.  Oh and just to some up what a bunch of utter shite hawks these people are, Ruth Lea used to be on the board.

Kelvin MacKenzie, lickspittle of Murdoch.

Christ I hate Kelvin MacKenzie.  This twat is on Radio 5 right now banging on about how much he loves Rupert Murdoch in light of the phone hacking allegations.  "He's a great man, a brilliant bloke,  I wish there were thousands of him", he says. "He created 30,000 jobs out of mid air!".  "He is no threat to democracy, only 20% of the population  buy a newspaper!".  "Buying a newspaper is a CHOICE!  That is why he is no threat!".  Honestly the sophistry and hero worship are combined to such an extent I think he might actually being wanking  whilst talking live on the radio.  Surely nobody in the country ever loved a former boss with such passion as the former editor of The Sun MacKenzie does?    It makes me wonder how Murdoch holds such power over him, but I doubt it's anything particularly sinister.  I just think that MacKenzie is an absolute bell-end of epic proportions who loves the sound of his own voice and will forever play the apologist to the rich and powerful to the detriment of the "common people" he so often claims to be a crusader for.  

Well good for you Kelvin, you hypocritical knobber.   Why don't you go whoring yourself around the networks prostrating yourself for the cause.  It can only raise your shitty profile as a twat-for-hire after all.  Go for it Kelvin, after all nobody could possibly think any worse of you.

Robbie Fucking Savage

Last year, it was Gabriele Marcotti.  This year's Radio Five Live's obsession is:  Robbie Fucking Savage.  A man so in love with himself that he considers sleeping with the wife a threesome.

Like Marcotti last year, he has infested Radio 5 like a particularly virulent case of gonorrhea, only less popular.  Why are the BBC obsessed with this twat?  HE HAS NOTHING INTERESTING TO SAY.  HE IS NOT FUNNY.  HE HAS NO GREAT INSIGHT.  HE IS JUST AVAILABLE.

What makes it worse is that he will not criticise his fellow professionals, making him a pretty dull pundit.  This is completely understandable because he is too close to them,  he is still playing the game.  He over compensates by being completely unreasonable with any opinion that does criticise players, not allowing anyone else to get a word in.

Why do the BBC do this to us?  They already inflict Allan Green and Steve Claridge on the public, we don't need another opinionated twat on the radio.  And don't get me started about Nicky Cambell, what a fucking arsehole he is.

Finally, Fulham get on Radio 5

They had to get to the final of the UEFA Cup before the BBC could be bothered, but finally Fulham actually get a live match in Europe.  The way the BBC have hyped this up, you would have thought they actually cared, at least until Green and co. started to remind us how this is "very much Europe's second class competition".  For fucks sake BBC, give it a fucking rest!  Accept that Man U, Chelsea, Arsenal and especially Liverpool (who you followed lovingly in this competition after they were "relegated" from the Champions League) were a bit crap this year now that the recession, low pound, and cuntish owners are finally starting to bite.  Let Fulham have their night, give them some respect!

Next week they will be telling us how the quality of the Champions League final is way down because none of the English clubs or Barcelona are there. 

Well I can honestly say to that:  fuck off.  The teams that get to the final deserve to be in the final; sport is not about your pre-conceived commentary "stories", it's about what actually happens.

Just start reporting on it, and leave the tabloid hyperbole and opinion pieces to TalkSport.  Thanks.

Football managers about to be sacked always take off the wrong player

My team has had a string of bad managers over the past 12 years, and I have learnt to spot the signs of a manager who has lost it.  The clearest sign is when the substitution policy of you manager makes sense to the manager only and nobody else.  Time after time I have seen a manager take off our best player, only to replace him with somebody who is at best an average journeyman, at worst a complete waste of space.  Normally, withing a month or two that manager has gone.

The reason I am raising is this is that I was listening to thr Birmingham City vs Liverpool match today.  It was poised at 1-1 in a game that Liverpool had to win, but were finding it difficult to break down a determined and skillfull Birmingham City.  There was approximately 25 minutes left, and Liverpool's subsitutes were warming up, clearly a change was about to be made.  The pundits were discussing who would come off, perhaps Benayoun for Aquilani, or a defender for an attacker.

I knew instinctively who would come off, because this is what happens when your manager has lost the plot.  "I bet he takes Torres off", I said to myself.

Sure enough, he dragged off a fuming Torres and replaced him with Ngog.  Torres actually shook his head at the manager as he came off,  and sat there fuming under his bench coat.  Why take off your best player in a match you have to win?  Perhaps he was injured, but he didn't look it.  The only real reason for taking him off was that Benitez is now in that zone that all managers get to before they are sacked, he has started seeing things that only he can see, and started making decisions that only he thinks make any sense.

Ngog naturally missed a couple of sitters and Liverpool dropped two points.

Taking Torres off was Benitez big decision in this game, and it was the decision of a man who has almost finished his time at the club
.