Sunday, 14 December 2014

Louis van Gaal is a jammy bastard

I thought Alex Ferguson was a lucky fucker, but this Louis van Gaal takes the biscuit.

Take today's match against Liverpool: Liverpool could have scored six, but Man U kept a clean sheet and won 3-0. Jammy. Mind you Liverpool are useless.

Man U have now won six games on the trot, but looked pretty shit in all of them. The jammy bastard is going to win the league isn't he?

Louis van Gaal is a jammy bastard
Jammy Bastard
As for Brendan Rodgers, if Liverpool want a manager who picks no forwards against their most bitter rivals, and drops all their best players for their most glamorous European match of the season, then it's about time they gave Gary Megson a chance to work his anti-magic in the Anfield dugout.

Thursday, 4 December 2014

Robbie Savage's Hair

By Christ what the fucking fuck is going on with Robbie Savage's hair on BT Sport?

Robbie Savage terrible hair
Fuck me, whats going on?

When he had his preening highlighted long locks, I thought he had a shocker of a haircut, but one that matched the utter bell-endery of his personality. But by cutting some off and building up that ridiculous quiff,  Robbie has somehow managed to make himself look like even more of a prick than he did before, which is quite an achievement.

It's not often anyone goes to the barbers with a picture of Mark Kermode, but Robbie did.

I'll have a Kermode special please barber, no I wont be needing any prophylactics thanks.

You've got to take your hat of to him.  Please, give him a hat.

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

England's one day team is the worst in the World, and will not get any better in the foreseable future

ARGGGGHHHHHH! England have just lost to Sri Lanka in one day cricket. 

Nothing unusual about that, you might say. And you would be correct, because England are absolutely terrible at one day cricket. However, England have some very talented one day players, so why are they so utterly shite?

The England Cricket team, yesterday

Here is why: it is not the players, it is the selectors and management, who for the past 3 years under Flower, Giles and now Moores, have picked a team on these two overriding principles:

Pick the batsmen based on their ability to bowl  

Pick the bowlers based on their ability to bat


This has meant that increasingly, England are turning up to one day matches with only three or even two specialist bowlers.

This is madness.  No, its worse, it's stupidity.

You have to bowl 50 overs!  Making up 30 of them in bits and pieces bowlers is just stupid!  Why has nobody in the press noticed this?

So today we have bowling in one of the specialist slots Ben Stokes, a promising and talented cricketer who should be NOWHERE NEAR the one day side at this stage of his career, because he is in the class: "can't bat, can't bowl" (because of form, not talent).  He bowled poor to average, and batted like a rookie (which he is) and everybody knew he was about to get out 5 balls before he did.  He looked like a walking wicket.  Rubbish.

Then we have Chris Woakes.  Again a fine, talented cricketer WHO IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO PLAY FOR ENGLAND either as a batsman or a bowler, so obviously they keep picking him as him can do both disciplines to a "not quite good enough" standard.

The bowling is completed with poor old Tredders, who keeps getting dropped after playing well, and Gurney who is a tyro and may or may not turn out to be a good bowler at this level, but asking him to carry the attack at this stage of his career is ridiculous.

So, there's 4 bowlers, two of which are not really bowlers.  But where is bowler no. 5?  Well obviously the fifth bowler's innings don't count as real innings to Englands mentalist management, because there isn't one.   Rooty can twirl a few, Moeen will trundle in a bit, Ravi can have a bash.  We'll sort it out somehow.

So onto the batsmen.  Or as I know them now: the shit batsmen.

Moeen is a player I really admire, and he played a blinder today, however dropping Hales at the top of the order for him "because he can bowl a bit" is lunacy.   Play him by all means, BUT PLAY HALES TOO.  Why is Cook still playing in one day cricket?  He is simply not an effective one day player.  Again I genuinely admire the man, but he should be nowhere near the one day team in any sane world, he's a fucking clogger at best, he has 2 shots, WHY IS HE THERE?  Tactically he's a shit captain too, so that is no excuse.

Oh here comes Bell, in at three.  Oh there he goes again, out after not making much impact.  This has been Bell's one day career for 5 fucking years.  WHY IS HE STILL IN THE TEAM?  He is an excellent test player, no doubt, but he is SHIT at one day cricket.

No problem. Rooty is coming in now.  Oh he's out.   At least he bowled some overs and did nothing.  Root will become a great player, but he should not be picked for all forms of cricket on this basis.  I do think he actually deserves a place in the team, but the fact he can bowl a bit should not KEEP him in the team if he keeps failing.

Morgan is a fantastic player, but he is horrifically, heroically out of nick. Not his fault, he will be back.  Give him time, at least he has proven he can do it at this level.

Buttler will come good.  He simply can't win the game on his own everytime. 

Finally in the "batsmen", here comes Ravi.  Bowls a few dobblers, uses up some overs, and now he comes in his role of  the "not quite finishing the job off" man.  Does well, doesn't support the tail properly, and ultimately fails. Again.  Despite never qwuite getting over the line, I still quite like Ravi a lot, and do think he should be no. 7,  even though the management decided he shouldn't be in the team last summer when he was in cracking form, the fucknuts.

For fucks sake England, this team is shit.

Start picking proper players.  Pick the best batsmen, and pick the best bowlers.  Stop picking people on reputation (particularly players who's reputation in this form of the game is AWFUL), and STOP PICKING BATSMAN BECAUSE THEY CAN BOWL A BIT, OR BOWLERS BECAUSE THEY CAN BAT A BIT.

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

UKIP - the Katie Hopkins of political parties

A new poncey bar has opened near me in one of the rich suburban towns that however on the edge of my city. No surprise there; at least 5 other poncey bars have opened there in the past few years, all exactly the same and all catering for the exact same market: 30 somethings with spare cash and a wish to spend their evening somewhere "Nice".

This one is different however, because its been done up like an Edwardian house, and the staff are dressed as "servants" in full Downtown Abbey (yawn) gear. This produces a frankly creepy atmosphere of domestic servitude, misery, drudgery and of course privilege for the few that is very much "not my cup of tea", but it did get me thinking that since this area loves UKIP so much, why not start up a nazi themed bar, much in the style of the Edwardian bar, but where these UKIPers can really enjoy the jackboot of oppression, just like back in old Adolf's day? They could do it up like a Munich beer hall, make everybody wear brown shirts and ban Jews and Gypsies. I'm pretty sure it would go down a storm, what with this country's new found love of far right ideology.

How do we stop the raise of UKIP? Well UKIP are essentially Katie Hopkins in political party form, but nobody has noticed yet. This is good news, since Katie Hopkins is universally reviled. How did Katie Hopkins become so reviled? That is easy: she was invited to give her opinion on things on platforms that "ordinary" people watch and enjoy (i.e. not fucking Question Time). As soon as Holly Willoughby destroyed her for her snobbish, hypocritical, mental rant about children's names on This Morning Katie Hopkins was effectively fucked.

UKIP's mentalness is there for all to see, but for some reason the mainstream media have not challenged them about it. Some (Farage) know that their party is full of nutcases, loons, and probably paedophiles, so he keeps quite about their policies, even going as far to call his last manifest (from waaaaaay back in 2010) as "drivel", but others in the party are out and out David Icke and are proud of their anti-women, anti-workers, anti-NHS, anti-fun, anti-people, anti-nature, pro-corporations, pro-super rich conspiracy theory led  message. Get them speaking and get voters listening and these arseholes are proper FUCKED.

So here is the plan: get Farage on This Morning talking about something (anything) that is not Europe or immigration, preferably something his party has mental views on like the NHS, VAT, income tax rates or climate change, and get Holly to destroy the dickhead on national telly. Even better, get one of the other less media savvy nutters on vs. Holly (I'm thinking human fly paper Neil Hamilton) and they will never get a vote again. Lets face it, it could work, and nothing else is working.