Robbie Savage's Hair

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By Christ what the fucking fuck is going on with Robbie Savage's hair on BT Sport?

Fuck me, whats going on?

When he had his preening highlighted long locks, I thought he had a shocker of a haircut, but one that matched the utter bell-endery of his personality. But by cutting some off and building up that ridiculous quiff,  Robbie has somehow managed to make himself look like even more of a prick than he did before, which is quite an achievement.

It's not often anyone goes to the barbers with a picture of Mark Kermode, but Robbie did.

I'll have a Kermode special please barber, no I wont be needing any prophylactics thanks.

You've got to take your hat of to him.  Please, give him a hat.

England's one day team is the worst in the World, and will not get any better in the foreseable future

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ARGGGGHHHHHH! England have just lost to Sri Lanka in one day cricket. 

Nothing unusual about that, you might say. And you would be correct, because England are absolutely terrible at one day cricket. However, England have some very talented one day players, so why are they so utterly shite?

The England Cricket team, yesterday

Here is why: it is not the players, it is the selectors and management, who for the past 3 years under Flower, Giles and now Moores, have picked a team on these two overriding principles:

Pick the batsmen based on their ability to bowl  

Pick the bowlers based on their ability to bat

 

This has meant that increasingly, England are turning up to one day matches with only three or even two specialist bowlers.

This is madness.  No, its worse, it's stupidity.

You have to bowl 50 overs!  Making up 30 of them in bits and pieces bowlers is just stupid!  Why has nobody in the press noticed this?

So today we have bowling in one of the specialist slots Ben Stokes, a promising and talented cricketer who should be NOWHERE NEAR the one day side at this stage of his career, because he is in the class: "can't bat, can't bowl" (because of form, not talent).  He bowled poor to average, and batted like a rookie (which he is) and everybody knew he was about to get out 5 balls before he did.  He looked like a walking wicket.  Rubbish.

Then we have Chris Woakes.  Again a fine, talented cricketer WHO IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO PLAY FOR ENGLAND either as a batsman or a bowler, so obviously they keep picking him as him can do both disciplines to a "not quite good enough" standard.

The bowling is completed with poor old Tredders, who keeps getting dropped after playing well, and Gurney who is a tyro and may or may not turn out to be a good bowler at this level, but asking him to carry the attack at this stage of his career is ridiculous.

So, there's 4 bowlers, two of which are not really bowlers.  But where is bowler no. 5?  Well obviously the fifth bowler's innings don't count as real innings to Englands mentalist management, because there isn't one.   Rooty can twirl a few, Moeen will trundle in a bit, Ravi can have a bash.  We'll sort it out somehow.

So onto the batsmen.  Or as I know them now: the shit batsmen.

Moeen is a player I really admire, and he played a blinder today, however dropping Hales at the top of the order for him "because he can bowl a bit" is lunacy.   Play him by all means, BUT PLAY HALES TOO.  Why is Cook still playing in one day cricket?  He is simply not an effective one day player.  Again I genuinely admire the man, but he should be nowhere near the one day team in any sane world, he's a fucking clogger at best, he has 2 shots, WHY IS HE THERE?  Tactically he's a shit captain too, so that is no excuse.

Oh here comes Bell, in at three.  Oh there he goes again, out after not making much impact.  This has been Bell's one day career for 5 fucking years.  WHY IS HE STILL IN THE TEAM?  He is an excellent test player, no doubt, but he is SHIT at one day cricket.

No problem. Rooty is coming in now.  Oh he's out.   At least he bowled some overs and did nothing.  Root will become a great player, but he should not be picked for all forms of cricket on this basis.  I do think he actually deserves a place in the team, but the fact he can bowl a bit should not KEEP him in the team if he keeps failing.

Morgan is a fantastic player, but he is horrifically, heroically out of nick. Not his fault, he will be back.  Give him time, at least he has proven he can do it at this level.

Buttler will come good.  He simply can't win the game on his own everytime. 

Finally in the "batsmen", here comes Ravi.  Bowls a few dobblers, uses up some overs, and now he comes in his role of  the "not quite finishing the job off" man.  Does well, doesn't support the tail properly, and ultimately fails. Again.  Despite never qwuite getting over the line, I still quite like Ravi a lot, and do think he should be no. 7,  even though the management decided he shouldn't be in the team last summer when he was in cracking form, the fucknuts.


For fucks sake England, this team is shit.

Start picking proper players.  Pick the best batsmen, and pick the best bowlers.  Stop picking people on reputation (particularly players who's reputation in this form of the game is AWFUL), and STOP PICKING BATSMAN BECAUSE THEY CAN BOWL A BIT, OR BOWLERS BECAUSE THEY CAN BAT A BIT.

UKIP - the Katie Hopkins of political parties

A new poncey bar has opened near me in one of the rich suburban towns that however on the edge of my city. No surprise there; at least 5 other poncey bars have opened there in the past few years, all exactly the same and all catering for the exact same market: 30 somethings with spare cash and a wish to spend their evening somewhere "Nice".

This one is different however, because its been done up like an Edwardian house, and the staff are dressed as "servants" in full Downtown Abbey (yawn) gear. This produces a frankly creepy atmosphere of domestic servitude, misery, drudgery and of course privilege for the few that is very much "not my cup of tea", but it did get me thinking that since this area loves UKIP so much, why not start up a nazi themed bar, much in the style of the Edwardian bar, but where these UKIPers can really enjoy the jackboot of oppression, just like back in old Adolf's day? They could do it up like a Munich beer hall, make everybody wear brown shirts and ban Jews and Gypsies. I'm pretty sure it would go down a storm, what with this country's new found love of far right ideology.

How do we stop the raise of UKIP? Well UKIP are essentially Katie Hopkins in political party form, but nobody has noticed yet. This is good news, since Katie Hopkins is universally reviled. How did Katie Hopkins become so reviled? That is easy: she was invited to give her opinion on things on platforms that "ordinary" people watch and enjoy (i.e. not fucking Question Time). As soon as Holly Willoughby destroyed her for her snobbish, hypocritical, mental rant about children's names on This Morning Katie Hopkins was effectively fucked.

UKIP's mentalness is there for all to see, but for some reason the mainstream media have not challenged them about it. Some (Farage) know that their party is full of nutcases, loons, and probably paedophiles, so he keeps quite about their policies, even going as far to call his last manifest (from waaaaaay back in 2010) as "drivel", but others in the party are out and out David Icke and are proud of their anti-women, anti-workers, anti-NHS, anti-fun, anti-people, anti-nature, pro-corporations, pro-super rich conspiracy theory led  message. Get them speaking and get voters listening and these arseholes are proper FUCKED.

So here is the plan: get Farage on This Morning talking about something (anything) that is not Europe or immigration, preferably something his party has mental views on like the NHS, VAT, income tax rates or climate change, and get Holly to destroy the dickhead on national telly. Even better, get one of the other less media savvy nutters on vs. Holly (I'm thinking human fly paper Neil Hamilton) and they will never get a vote again. Lets face it, it could work, and nothing else is working.

Ian Hislop: My Journey...

I started out as this little public school twat on telly.  I meant no harm. I was a fucking waste of oxygen, but no more than that. I  played a sort of anti-authoritarian, leftish-liberalish heir of Peter Cooke.
People liked me.

I got a little I got lucky when it turned out my colleague was funny.  But everybody loved me.  I had power, I had authority!

I had everything.

I  started to believe.
I started to believe that I knew so much better, and that people were all fools.  That my school was actually quite good.  That the Conservatives were not actually all that bad after all.  That maybe "the market" wasn't some crazy load of old bollocks, but could actually improve all our lives!  ... or at least, mine.

Then it all started to slip...slip...slip....slip away.

Suddenly I became a Tory cunt.
"Perhaps we deserve the bankers that we get..." I said today on TV.
...

Ian Hislop, you sellout little fuck.  "Perhaps we deserve the bankers that we get?".   No of course we don't you prick.

You might as well say: "perhaps we deserve all the painful bowel cancer we get?".

What a fucking idiot this man has become.

Carole Malone is out of a job

I am delighted to report that as off today Carole Malone, that brave accuser of the poor, the needy, and  the vulnerable, is out of job.   No longer is she free to write the first horrible and nasty thing that comes into her head in a national newspaper, since that newspaper has been shutdown due to (among other things)  its disgusting predeliction for hacking into the voicemail of murdered schoolgirls and their families.

I bet she can't wait to get her "free house and free plasma TV". 


She must have worked up  to 30 minutes a week to write the hateful, misinformed, ignorent, stupid, destructive bullshit that used to pull her in upwards of £250K a year.  Let's hope she never works again, is mortgaged up to fuck, has a serious drink and/or drugs dependancy, and ends up losing it all.  Still, at least she doesn't have to worry about her hard earned dole money being spent on immigrants getting free cars anymore.


Fuck her.  Fuck her and fuck all the rest of them at the NotW.  Cunts the lot of them.
Have no sympathy for any of them, they would have no sympathy for you.

Five political commentators the BBC should never use again

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1) Katie Hopkins - This evil harpy delights in "saying the unsayable", or to put it another way, being an absolutely selfish, thoughtless, nasty, greedy, reactionary, grasping, Tory shitbag.  She compliments this with a smug self satisfaction that makes her perhaps the least likable human being currently on the planet.

2) Ruth Lea - This remarkably twattish woman is supposed to be an economist, and in fact used to appear on Newsnight every night to tell us all about how the economy was doing ("very well indeed"), how house prices were fine ("they can only go up!  It's simple supply and demand!"), how neoliberal economic policies were the saviour of the World ("we must deregulate the banks more, oh and stop taxing the rich!"). Post 2008 and the worldwide economic collapse that following her favourite policies caused, she wasn't booked much.  Not surprising, as she was wrong about EVERYTHING.  And I do mean everything.  She is now starting to poke her head above the (very low) parapet again though and the BBC have started  to use her "expert" opinions again.  Look BBC: she is a fucking idiot, her economic policies are nasty, selfish and failed, and now she has bravely rejoined the Conservative Party (she left when Labour were in power, make your own mind up why) we all all know her agenda.  STOP BOOKING THE BITCH!

3) Kelvin MacKenzie - The twat's twat.  Another nasty, reactionary apologist of the super rich, a proponent of any policy that hurts the poor and protects the wealthy.  Please BBC, if you're having a debate, and you perhaps think you need someone to give a right wing view on some subject, then please do not pick up the phone to Kelvin Mackenzie!   Let him fester alone with his opinions, opinions destined never to be listened to, never to be allowed to leave his rotten, broken head.  It's the only way he will ever learn.

4) Edwina Currie - Horrible, arrogant, pompous old trout.  Another failed right wing shit bag who appears to have absolutely no fucking clue about the world.  Her solution to people being stuck in the snow we had before Christmas?  A tax cut on 4x4 vehicles.  I honestly don't think she was joking, she is just really, really dumb.  Really, really dumb, and earning OUR MONEY in BBC fees to spout this shite on the radio.  STOP BOOKING HER BBC!

5) Any arsehole from the fucking Taxpayers Alliance - Now these really are the worst of the lot.  A fake "grassroots" organisation, funded by Tory donors (see here), these sinister pricks used to turn up every day on the BBC.   Touch-wood they seem to have fucked off ever since the Tories got in, I guess the rich and powerful that fund them think they have won now they have the evil party in charge, and would rather spend their money on sweatshops, or campaigning to remove the minimum wage.  But they will be back, and they will be spouting the same lies and misinformation as they did before, so keep vigilant BBC, and STOP LETTING THEM GET FREE AIR TIME.  Oh and just to some-up what a bunch of utter shite hawks these people are, Ruth Lea used to be on the board.


2014 update:  This was written several years ago, before the scourge of UKIP ravaged across the land.  Nowadays you can't turn on the BBC without that UTTER WANKER Farage showing his froggy head and lieing through his teeth.  I was right about the Taxpayers Alliance though - they have gone proper quiet haven't they?  Tossers.

Kelvin MacKenzie, lickspittle of Murdoch.

Christ I hate Kelvin MacKenzie.  This twat is on Radio 5 right now banging on about how much he loves Rupert Murdoch in light of the phone hacking allegations.  "He's a great man, a brilliant bloke,  I wish there were thousands of him", he says. "He created 30,000 jobs out of mid air!".  "He is no threat to democracy, only 20% of the population  buy a newspaper!".  "Buying a newspaper is a CHOICE!  That is why he is no threat!".  Honestly the sophistry and hero worship are combined to such an extent I think he might actually being wanking  whilst talking live on the radio.  Surely nobody in the country ever loved a former boss with such passion as the former editor of The Sun MacKenzie does?    It makes me wonder how Murdoch holds such power over him, but I doubt it's anything particularly sinister.  I just think that MacKenzie is an absolute bell-end of epic proportions who loves the sound of his own voice and will forever play the apologist to the rich and powerful to the detriment of the "common people" he so often claims to be a crusader for.  

Well good for you Kelvin, you hypocritical knobber.   Why don't you go whoring yourself around the networks prostrating yourself for the cause.  It can only raise your shitty profile as a twat-for-hire after all.  Go for it Kelvin, after all nobody could possibly think any worse of you.